Happy Merry Thanksmas

Well, its that time of year again, the time for holiday cheer and yule tide greetings.  Its the time when we can all induce comas on ourselves with tryptophan and booze in an effort to capture the true meaning of this holiday season....profit.  It seems like retailers are starting earlier and earlier to try to lure the would be middle class into parting with the little bit of money that they do have in exchange for what ends up being meaningless holiday trinkets......all in an effort to fatten the wallets of their shareholders and themselves.  This year is different though.  In the past, people celebrated Thanksgiving, a wonderful holiday in which we can all reflect on what we are thankful for.  What better way to signal the start of the Christmas season than with these reflections? 

But for some reason, it seems that Thanksgiving has been pushed to the way side.  It has become the day before Black Friday in the eyes of retailers who look to start their holiday sales earlier and earlier.  Never before have I heard of a Pre-Black Friday sales until this year.  Maybe the people in the marketing department feel as though more people know what Black Friday is as opposed to Thanksgiving and are trying to capitalize on that fact.  After all, who can really relate to a long sea faring voyage across the ocean to find hope and promise in a new world?  The only ones who come to my mind are the cornucopia of Chinese made products who will find themselves on the shelves of American retail stores to bring joy to all the little boys and girls.  So with Pre-Black Friday, we have lost Thanksgiving, but I have a way we can save it.

I propose a new holiday, Thanksmas.  Thanksmas will be the combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas as Thanksgiving will be pushed back and mingle with Christmas.  Now we can string the holiday days together and have Christmas Eve on the 24th, Christmas on the 25th, and then Thanksgiving on the 26th of December.  I believe this strategy will help retailers by allowing them to not even have to worry about keeping the Christmas decorations on standby till after Thanksgiving.  Now they can go ahead and take down the Halloween decorations and move directly into Christmas.  The day after Halloween can now be christened "Black November 1st" as this will signal the start of the holiday season so that retailers can move from the red into the black one month earlier.

I think this approach to the holidays has many advantages:

1.  People can get more life out of their holiday songs.  As it is, Christmas music is very cyclical and only has a 30 life span throughout the year.  Now we can start dreaming of a White Christmas a little bit sooner and be invoked with holiday cheer for 60 + days.



2.  With Thanksgiving now being the day after Christmas, everyone will have an opportunity to be thankful for the presents they received...and reflect on what they wanted but didn't get.  This will boost the New Years sales for retailers as well.



3.  Thanksmas will allow extra time for turkeys to be fattened up.  They grow fast with all the growth hormones they are fed, but now they will be able to enjoy another month of life....even though they will be so fat that they can't move around.




4.  There will be less logistical concerns for where to celebrate the holidays.  Before, it was a hassle to have to worry about where to spend Thanksgiving and where to spend Christmas.  Now, we can kill two birds with one stone and save gas in the process.



5.  Thanksmas will provide an opportunity to alleviate the stress of dealing with family members at Thanksgiving and shorten the pesky time frame in between where you stress about if it will be any better by the time Christmas gets there.  Now you will only have to deal with them one time throughout the year instead of two.



As you can see, there can be many benefits of combining Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The only downside to all of this is that we probably will lose that great, traditional day of football glory, but those games can be moved to Sunday with the rest.

Happy Merry Thankmas everyone!!

Color Me Cancer

In the spirit of supporting cancer (or research rather), I'd like to propose a full blown color campaign for all cancer types.  Currently the color Pink has taken the spotlight and captivated a large audience and acclaimed notoriety for its association with breast cancer.  This can be attributed to Susan G. Komen for the Cure, a nonprofit orgainzation which has raised millions of dollars to fund breast cancer research.  While I may not be a bra, I do support the cause for healthy breasts for women....and for men too.  The color Pink has had great success as the spokesperson for this cause, so much so that retailers and other money makers have joined forces with Pink to help promote breast cancer awareness.  Or maybe these money makers are using Pink to their advantage.  What better way to sell a product than to associate it with a noble cause?  In April 2010, Komen received national attention when it paired with fast food restaurant chain KFC to offer "Buckets for the Cure," a promotion in which fried and grilled chicken was sold in pink branded buckets.  Just think of all the good that will come from this campaign.  What better way to raise awareness for health then to hunker down and gorge myself on a bucket of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a diet coke.  In the support of breast cancer, eat chicken breasts?!  Sound logic indeed.


With everything Pink has done for breast cancer, I believe there should be more color associations with other cancers to help create awareness for them as well.  Throughout history color has played a very important role for it's symbolism.  Take for example the United States flag.  It is said that the white of the stripes represent courage and the red stripes represent blood, shed for liberty.  If colors can accurately represent the greatest nation on earth, then I see no reason why we are holding back on symbolizing all of the cancers of the world, some of the greatest diseases created by man.

So now that there is a reason for the cause, there has to be a proper assignment of the different cancers to correspond with the symbolic color.  One idea for a first step would be to consider talking to the Crayola company.  They seem to have a pretty good grasp on color, based on the countless color varieties they offer.  I think the largest assortment I had at one point was the 64 flavors box with the build in sharpener.  And no matter how you might try to convince me otherwise, I still stand firm and always will in my conclusion that blue-green and green-blue are the same color, just like purple and violet.  And with Crayola involved, we would be able to reach as vast audience of children, our future generations.  Let's start early and take a stranglehold on cancer by teaching our children about the disease.  These packs of cancer colored crayons could be distributed to schools across the nation and hopefully inspire some bright youngsters to blossom into great doctors and scientists.  My sky is not blue. Instead I'd like to think that my sky is prostate cancer blue.  After all, I'm a man and blue pairs just as as well with prostate cancer as pink pairs with breast cancer.  What color is this cat?

Lung cancer black of course.  And the white in the picture..........bone cancer white.  Green can now be bile duct cancer green.  And red can now be leukemia red.  This list could go on and on but I think you get the point.

Now that colors are established, we can partner these causes and colors with companies to gain more exposure.  UPS would be the first company I would approach.  Everyone knows "what brown can do for you" but I don't think everyone knows what colon cancer brown can do for you.  Yahoo! is another well known company and is represented by the color purple.  They could easily reach billions of people and help spearhead pancreatic cancer research by promoting pancreatic cancer purple.  A final example would be The Home Depot.  Just think how much more people could save and do if they knew they were supporting the oral cancer orange color.

The bottom line to all of this is that without a color, you really have no cause.  While noone knows who Susan G Komen is (I do because I researched her), everyone knows that pink stands for breast cancer.  So get your ribbons and color them with cancer.

America the Multi Tasker

Recently, the American driving public has come under fire for the activities they partake in while driving.  This is absurd.  I believe drivers are only trying to increase their ability to multitask.  After all, there is a tough job market out there and the ability to multitask is a very valuable skill set to have, what better way to perfect it than in the car.  We all spend a lot of time in our vehicles and should make the most out of it.  Why should a steering wheel pose a restriction on us to do the important things that we know we need to get done?  Lets examine these important activities and validate their necessity.

Texting - Yes, this is the most prominent topic concerning drivers these days.  To my dismay, city and state governments have been enacting legislation to ban this action.  This is an outrage.  Why is it the business of government to tell me that I can't "LMFAO" when I'm driving?  And how would my friends feel if they didn't know I was "LMFAO?"  What should I say to them, "BRB.....I'm driving?"  Oh wait, that's probably not allowed either.  Well shit!  How else am I gonna let someone know about the huge accident on the interstate that everyone is slowing down and bottle necking to see?  How bad can texting and driving really be?  I mean if I can glance away from the road for a few seconds to look in my rear view mirror, why can't I glace at my phone?  By my estimations, it takes about the same amount of time.



Eating - Everyone has to eat at some point or another in their day.  My favorite time is when I'm behind the wheel.  And how convenient is it that they build restaurants with drive thru windows to get this food as well?  I personally think that eating a meal at home with the family is overrated anyway.  After all, who really wants to cook and clean up afterwards?  I'd prefer to just throw my garbage out the window.  Think about how much exposure Mc FattyKings would get if their logos were all over the road.  No better advertising campaign than the one which is free.  Who really enjoys seeing the whole family together and sharing their stories about the day?  I'd much rather listen to 2 Pac give his insight on his bitches and booze.  Car makers should embrace this concept of eating while driving and go beyond basic cup holders and install ketchup, ranch and bbq dispensers in their future models, then I wouldn't have to worry about fiddling with those stupid packets.



Getting Pretty - If my hair was longer, there is no doubt that I would utilize my time behind the wheel to fix it up all pretty.  And the clever car makers installed a mirror to help with this as well.  My only request is that they upgrade these to include different lighting settings and a zoom setting.  That would definitely help me determine which shade of blush to apply and determine if my long lash mascara was actually long enough.




Children's Exercise - In a previous article, I brought attention to the obesity crisis in America and spoke about obese children.  I believe parents are wising up to this and are now allowing their children to unbuckle their seat belt and partake in some form of physical exercise.  What better way to encourage physical activity than to let little Billy climb back and forth over the seats.  After all, didn't he just eat the the "Mighty Kids Meal?"  Instead car makers are installing DVD players in cars to occupy these kids so that they will sit still.  What a tragedy.  Forget the DVD player, instead install a trapeze over the center console.



Phone Use - This is a no brainer here.  Even the most uncoordinated of people can use the phone while they are driving.  And its easy too.  All you have to do is wedge the phone between your cheek and shoulder and let the person on the other end of the line have it.  Again, I see no problems with this either.  I always make my most important calls while I'm driving just so that the other person knows how important the call is.  How would that person feel if I called them from the quiet and safe confines of my home?  They would surely think that I only called them out of boredom.  I want the other person to know that what I had to say was so important that I couldn't wait any longer to call them.  Also, the other drivers on the road would see me on my phone and without a doubt think that I'm someone important.  I think the new IPhone will be a hit with drivers as this phone has the capability of video calls where the call participants can see each other.  Italians will clamor over this so that the true meaning of their words is more clarified with hand gestures.



Resting - Anyone who has been on a long road trip knows how tiring they can be.  Too bad I have to crash my car to get those big pillows to inflate.  I think an easier way would be to just rest my elbow on the window ledge and just prop my head up with my hand. 



With all of these advantages to multitasking while driving, who would want to regulate this kind of stuff?  State and local governments have recently been scrambling to enact laws to prevent these activities from happening.  I think the productivity gains from these activities far outweigh the consequences associated with accidents.  Just ask the automakers.   Dale Buss, a contributing editor for Edmunds.com, tells in an article entitled, "Multitasking Mania and Distracted Driving," that "an alliance of General Motors, Toyota, Nissan and Ford spent $6 million over the last four years to study driver distraction and develop solutions. Their conclusion was that drivers can safely withstand just about any amount of aural distraction in a vehicle as long as they keep their vision on the road in front of them."

Why doesn't the government share this view.  After all, these are some of the same companies that the government gave millions of dollars to bail out.  To discredit their conclusions would be a slap in the tax payer's face.  What is alarming is the fact that the same people who are supposed to uphold these laws are hypocrites.  Ever looked at the insides of a police cruiser when they are next to you at the traffic light.  These guys have more toys to play with than my 2 year old.  Computers, radar guns, regular guns, spotlights, sirens, lights, video equipment, gps navigation devices, etc, etc.  See my point?



I was always told that whats good for the geese is good for the gander.  Shouldn't these deputies of the law be looking out for the real driving distractions?

Would You Like to Supersize That?

I never worked at a carnival but just by looking at some people I can tell that they are grossly overweight.  The shock value of seeing these people has been lost as "big" is the new medium.  I think McDonald's spearheaded the super size campaign.  Ever tried to order a small anything?  Hard to do these days.  Now small, medium, and large have been replaced with medium, large, and super size.  What happened to small?  Has there been some size profiling that I wasn't aware of?  Was small detained for questioning and sent back across the border?  My first guess about small was that it felt neglected and just ran away. A second guess was that small had dirt on the larger sizes, became targeted by the people and has now fled into witness protection.


So what dirt could small possibly have on the big boys?  It was rumored that the big boys are unhealthy and small knew about it.  Small knew that if people kept shoving in larger quantities of food and beverage that people would become more accustomed to the larger portions and, in turn, would want more the next time as well, breeding a viscous cycle of over eating.  Now the big sizes are happy because they get more attention and love from the world having achieved national popularity by being in the majority.

America has reached a point where super size has become acceptable.  In my years, I have watched Americans consume bowls of ranch dressing, request shovel fulls of sour cream, and of course more butter and mayo, only to wash it down with a diet coke.  They never seem to get enough.  They will request to sit in a booth in a restaurant and make a valiant effort to squeeze themselves in but to no avail, and then get upset about it.  Someone out there needs to design a booth system like those of file storing cabinets which roll on the floor.  Definitely a need for hardened steel to support the weight of that system.

So is this obesity crisis purely American?  I asked some foreigners about obesity in their home countries and the results were just as expected.  An inquiry to a Russian revealed that there is not that much obesity in her home country.  Apparently not too much to go around for the communists.  I also talked to a gentleman from England.  Again, not a lot of obesity there either.  My guess is that their bad dental hygiene has rotted their teeth and inhibited mass weight gain.  I also asked some Latinos about their country as well.  Again, not a lot of obesity there.  Maybe their border crossing exercise routine has helped.  So what gives?  I'll tell ya....Americans are lazy.  American food is based on convenience.  What's fast and quick?  How can I get instant gratification from my food if I have to spend the time to prepare it myself?  Isn't it easier to just open a can, microwave a frozen dinner, or drive thru the local Mc FattyKings? Yes it is. 

Now before I am dubbed as being mean, let me tell you that I understand the uniqueness of individuals.   Man comes in all shapes and sizes, short, tall, big, and small.  Not everyone has the metabolism of a hummingbird.  And unfortunately not everyone is chiseled like a Greek sculpture.  There are the "big boned" people that are just bigger people.  These are not the people to which I am referring to when I speak of obesity.  The obese people I speak of are the ones who have totally let themselves go and have totally disregarded that their infinite need for food is destroying them.  When it gets to a point where you are no longer able to sit in a single seat on the airplane and must purchase a second seat, it has gone too far.  When your legs work fine, but you still have the need to use the scooter to get around at Walmart, it has gone too far.


Of course it is not their fault.  I mean why would it be?  They have a disease.  A disease by definition is any deviation from or interruption of the normal structure or function of any body part, organ, or system that is manifested by a characteristic set of symptoms and signs and whose etiology, pathology, and prognosis may be known or unknown.  Now hold up......any deviation or interruption of the normal structure of a body part, organ, or system?  I would say that excess obesity goes beyond deviations and affects more than just a body part, organ, or system, the whole body is the disease.  Of all the diseases out there in the world, I would think that obesity would be the easiest one to cure.  This is simply accomplished by burning more calories than you take in.  There are two factors involved here that make losing weight possible, diet and exercise.  Now I'm not a personal trainer but my recommendation would be to walk instead of riding the scooter and to skip the soda and potato chip aisle.  I'm sure that that's hard though.  After all, their knees hurt.  And why wouldn't they.  I would hurt too if I had to support 450 pounds of flesh.  Isn't it just easier to go to the doctor and have them put a lap band on.  Then you are only limited to the amount of food you eat.  What about the quality of food they eat?  I once had a man complain about the portion of fried chicken tenders he received saying that it was too small.  He supported this by showing a picture of the appetizer and also by letting me know that he "knew it was too small because since he has a lap band, that he can only eat three tenders and he gives the other two to his dog."  Really?  You're complaining about the portion size based on the fact that you can only consume and fit 5 ounces of food in your belly a sitting?  Here is a random thought, maybe the smaller portion is better for them and had they eaten smaller portions, maybe they wouldn't need the lap band.  If that guy was that big on three tenders, I could only imagine what his dog looks like with his helping of two tenders. 


If people allow this to happen to themselves and to their pets, imagine what kind of regard they have for their children's health.  "Need more ranch little Johnny?  Here you go, just shut up and leave me alone."  By the way, "little Johnny" is the equivalent of the fat guy called "slim."  Children these days are fed pretty much whatever they want.  In between bites, they get their exercise in by mashing their thumbs on their Nintendo DS.  Makes you wonder how the kids in ancient Rome and Greece ever found any sort of entertainment.  Oh wait, those are the kids who posed for the sculptures.  I once had some kids approach me and ask for a fruit snack.  I was delighted to hear this and quickly cored and sliced an apple for them.  When I gave it to them, they asked what it was.  I told them, "it was an apple, their fruit snack."  They were immediately turned off and complained that they wanted the fruit snacks from the pantry that come out of the box.  What they really wanted was some gummy concoction made of high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors and synthetic dyes.  Even better is when children are bribed to do things in exchange for crap food.  "If you eat all of your dinner, then I'll give you a piece of cake," the parent says to the child.  Twenty minutes later, after battling with the child to eat "just three more bites, OK....just two big bites, OK.....just one more spoonful of corn," the parent will inevitably give in to the whining child and allow them to eat the cake.  Amazingly, the child pleaded that he was full and couldn't eat the corn but now all of the sudden has enough room for cake AND ice cream.  This poor child will grow up to be as obese as the rest.  Thanks mom and dad, for not sticking to your guns and allowing me eat whatever to reward me.  I will cry to you when the other kids pick on me and you can comfort me with........McDonalds!!!


Well, I think small was right to run.  I would think a case of claustrophobia set in when supersize was put on the shelf.  Not quite sure where small went?  Small has become a victim to the small portion genocide in America.  After all, what good is a small serving when my belly can hold 4 times that amount?

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Oh the joys of being a kid.  Life was easy back then, even though at the time it didn't always seem that way.  But reflecting back.....yes, it was easy.  There are no huge expectations of a child.  When they are really little, its put your toys away and don't delay.  Cooking dinner.....nope, Mom too care of that.  Paying the mortgage.....nope, Dad took care of that.  Laundry.......nope, thanks again Mom.  Finally a little responsibility in the form of chores crept in.......hello to cleaning dirty dishes, cleaning my room, mowing the lawn, and taking out the garbage.  Now at the time, they were not the most pleasurable things to do for a kid.  That meant that I had to pause my video game......provided to me by Mom and Dad.  Mom and Dad even made it really easy for me to occupy my time by sending me to school, may as well since they were paying the taxes that funded the school.  School presented itself with other challenges.  There was a constant barrage of questions that they wanted answered.  "How do you spell cat, C-A-T"  Check.  "Whats 1 + 1, 2."  Check, got that too.  Okay, what's next?  "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Uh oh.  Not quite sure about that one but the other kids responses of being a firefighter, policeman, doctor, astronaut, and pro basketball player all seemed like pretty good responses to me.  Sure, I'll be a ___________ (insert admirable occupation here).  All pretty easy back then.  You could do whatever you wanted and the adults were excited and supportive about it.

So now we fast forward to adulthood.  I can still spell cat and 1 + 1 still equals 2.  I answered those a long time ago and the answers are still the same.  As for the "what do you wanna be when you grow up," oh shit, I forgot to answer that one.  Well.....time to think about that, but this time as an adult who has had some life experiences and is even smart enough to spell mercurial and know the definition too.  I just learned that word and am halfway though grad school.  Lets look at some different careers and see if I want to do one of those.

1.  Doctor - Great, you get to help sick people get better.  That was the impression given to me when I was a kid.  The older, more educated me knows that this just isn't the case.  To be a doctor these days means that you get to help the sick, but only under the supervision of the insurance companies and the Big Pharma.  And hopefully you, the doctor, can accurately diagnose the patient within the 4 minutes in which they are allotted in the exam room and only hope that the patient hasn't forgotten what it was that they were there for in the first place because of their 45 minute wait in the waiting room and then again in the exam room.  After corralling all the patients through for processing, the doctors can only hope to make enough money to pay for their malpractice insurance and their student loans which they maxed out in med school in order to live.  Be a doctor?  I'll pass on that.  Never was a fan of gushing blood.  If I was forced, I would consider being a chiropractor, no needles or drugs needed.  Jesus healed with his hands didn't he?

2.  Banking - Alright banking!  Now I get to work with other people's money.  And in doing so, try and squeeze every penny out of them that I can get.  Sure there are legitimate banking needs such as mortgages, savings accounts and different investment vehicles, but what common folk can read the fine print?  Whereas what the big print giveth, the small print will surely taketh away.  Beyond that, you have to worry about the guys in the really nice suits sitting in their offices sipping on scotch and bullshitting about where they are going to play golf next.  My natural assumption is that they have these conversations to clear their minds from the fact that in their quest for every penny, they lost all the pennies that we invested with them......they still have their own pennies......paid in the form of government bailout bonuses.  What better way to reward success?  Be a banker?  A Monday through Friday 9 to 5er would be pretty nice.  Then I would get to take off for every holiday with the government workers.  Speaking of government.........

3.  Politician - Making decisions that affect the lives of others.  Whoa!  That's a tall order to take on.  But ya know what, I could probably see myself doing that.  I could be the voice of the people and lead us into prosperity.  First I need votes though.....and a tooth whitening treatment.  But soon realization would set in that I'm not part of the club.  I didn't kiss enough ass or perform enough favors to the benefit of a few and the detriment of millions.  Be a politician?  Maybe I'm still a little bitter about losing my high school class presidency (they said I lost by 1 vote) but I'll skip that.

4.  Policeman - Give me a badge and a gun!  Time to serve and protect......and work overtime security detail at the church festival.....and pull traffic duty for road construction projects....and answer false burglary alarms from local businesses.  I wanna come back to the police station saying "book 'em Danno!"  Don't get me wrong here now, I believe that law enforcement is a very noble and necessary cause but who wants to babysit the public....and risk their life in the process?  Dealing with drunks, car accidents, and domestic disputes isn't the quite my idea of fighting crime.  Sure the retirement and benefits are good but they better be because I'd be the only one on the roads at night when drunk Johnnie decided to send a text message and eat a cheeseburger while swerving left of center as I passed.  Be a cop?  Not so much.

5.  Management - An office with a nice window view overlooking the city skyline as I toil away on conference calls and making big important business decisions because .  Now hold up here...this doesn't sound like the management I know.  The management I know is much like that of a policeman but in a business environment.  You're the guy everyone calls when they have a problem.  Dramatic bullshit from the employees, bitchy customers, the broken whatever, an asshole boss, and covering for the slack of others...these are the issues to be had.  Overworked and underpaid, doesn't really seem to balance in my mind.  I think what I'm looking for is upper management.  Making sure that Betty Sue gets her lunch break is the last thing that I want to have to be worried about.....from the looks of her she doesn't seem to have a problem finding the time to eat anyway.  Line management?  Eeehhh.

Well, so far I've come up with 5 different jobs and nothing sounds appealing.  Will I ever find something appealing?  Oh I'm positive of that.....that's what my horoscope said anyway.  Sometimes you have to sift through a lot of the muck to find something good, something honest, something rewarding.  Thomas Edison saw the positive side of failure when he said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work."  I still may not know exactly what I want to be when I grow up, but I know a lot of things I don't.